Amuse Bouche

As I begin to write this I know that there are going to be people that will vehemently disagree with me along with those that will say “amen brother!” We have all been there, getting seated next to a family that believes that the restaurant you are in is a Chuck E. Cheese were they can just allow their little ankle biters to run free.

There is a restaurant in Atlanta that had the nerve to put up a sign stating: “To ensure that all diners have an enjoyable lunch or dinner with us we respectfully ask that parents tend to their crying tots outside.” I think that is very polite and to the point but I did ask a few people that fall into this catch 22 and one said he would be offended if there was a sign because people should just automatically know to do that. The other person has no problem with it at all.

The way I see it is if you are patronizing a place where the waiter/waitress sits down with you to introduce themselves or they write their names with crayon on the butcher paper covering the table you’re good to go with kids in tow. Probably the most telling indication on whether or not they are kid friendly is whether or not they offer a kids menu! With the internet these days that is something that can be looked up online before actually making the trip.

Don’t get the idea that I believe that kids shouldn’t be allowed in restaurants at all, but the parents should use their heads when picking what kind of establishment the intend to dining at. For example, if I am shelling out money for a meal in which the Captain de-crumbs my table before the dessert course arrives,  there is no way in hell that I want to listen to or watch an uncontrollable little person running around or listen to them wail because they aren’t getting their way. Call me crazy….

Just a few days ago I went to McDonald’s for lunch with my dad and noticed the huge display letting me know that the McRib is now available for a limited time, again. Since I couldn’t remember the last time I had one, probably 15 years at least, no joke, I decided to go for it. I ordered myself the medium value meal with a Coke and proceeded to find a booth.

Upon opening the McRib box I immediately came to the conclusion that McDonald’s have world class food stylists because mine sure didn’t look as appetizing as the one on the poster in the lobby. As far as how it tasted, let’s just say that one bite in, I’m positive the previously noted poster slathered with barbeque sauce would taste better than the actual thing. Chalk it up to a moment of weakness I guess… I’m never ordering that again, especially after finding out a few dirty little secrets that hidden under the pickles, onions, and sauce thanks to Google.

I will spare you the boring ones so I’ll just give you the highlights:

We can thank a process called “restructured meat technology” for the McRib. Basically they take a mixture of pork tripe, heart, and scalded stomach and mix it with salt and water to extract protein from the meat in order to hold the McRib together once it is molded into the familiar shape. Did you notice that there aren’t any viable cuts of pork listed in the ingredients?

Animal rights groups have sued the “meat” supplier of the McRib for inhumane treatment of pigs. I tried to watch the undercover video but it was a bit too much for the animal lover in me.

The McRib contains 70 different ingredients including azodicarbonamide that is also used in the production of yoga mats. While only appearing to have only pork, sauce, onions, pickles, and the sesame seed bun, looks sure can be deceiving once again!

The nutritional information for the McRib is….well, you decide: 500 calories, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of fat and 980 milligrams of sodium, ouch! I’m surprised that I haven’t suffered either a heart attack or stroke after eating my last McRib ever.

If you have read even a few of my posts you probably are very aware of my fondness for Quentin Tarantino’s work, but especially Pulp Fiction. As a service to my fellow human beings I want to make you aware of or remind you that Pulp Fiction, only the greatest movie ever produced, will be back in theaters for 1 night only on December 6. All in effort to whet fellow fans appetite for his upcoming movie Django Unchained that is being released Christmas day.

I now there is people out there that are saying “why would I pay to go and see it again just because it’s on a bigger screen when I can watch it at home in high definition? Isn’t that right Emily Grace? My answer to that is: in case you haven’t been paying attention, QT isn’t into all this new fangled CGI crap and he embraces rough and grainy picture quality in his creations. That’s part of QT’s charm and it certainly doesn’t keep big names in Hollywood from lining up to be in his movies.

Going to see Pulp Fiction in theaters will give you the opportunity to see it exactly as it was meant to be viewed. Maybe if the US served wine at theaters like in Europe, “and I don’t just mean like a paper cup, I’m talking about a glass of beer”…err…wine; Emily Grace would no doubt be in line with the rest of us!

Admit it, you like Ramen noodles just like everyone else. They probably aren’t at the top of your list but if it came down to it, you would eat them instead of going hungry. Here is some trivia about Ramen noodles: throughout the world 80 billion packages are produced with China alone consuming 44 billion (55%) packs alone, the word “Ramen” is the Japanese pronunciation of the Chinese dish “Lo Mein” because the Japanese doesn’t distinguish between the sounds “L” & “R”. You know, like the ol’ Election Day joke?

Ramen noodles will always be associated with cash strapped college kids because you can buy 18 for like three bucks. I almost always have a six pack in my pantry but I hardly ever eat them as soup and NEVER use the whole seasoning pack because that much sodium could choke a horse. They are very versatile, I like to use them for cold Asian salads, put them in spring rolls, or crunch them up with half of the seasonings and use them for texture in something that needs it. The most puzzling way to consuming them is to sprinkle the seasonings on them without cooking and bite off the block. This activity is often referred to as “freebasing Ramen,” who knew besides Lindsey?

Last night I was taking inventory on what I had on hand that I could convert into a quick and easy but delicious dinner, I came up with Poor Man’s Carbonara. What is Carbonara you ask; it is one of the easiest and most delicious pasta dishes under the sun. Essentially it is spaghetti, cream, bacon, garlic, parmesan cheese, sometimes with peas, and a raw egg or egg yolk mixed in to thicken the sauce.

Now the Ramen noodle Carbonara: I cooked the noodles in the prescribed amount of water without the seasoning packet added, next I drained the water reserving about a 1/3 cup into which I added 2 tablespoons of butter, ¼ cup diced ham and half of the seasoning packet. I put it back on the heat and let the water reduce while heating the ham. To finish, I topped it with a raw egg yolk which is stirred in giving the noodles a luxurious mouth feel. Easy peasy!

For those that are fond of authentic Carbonara, this won’t replace it but there is a reasonable resemblance. More than enough resemblance to cure the late night munchies anyway…

You are guaranteed to be served the freshest ingredients available to all mankind, right? As it turns out, no!  I always thought that is how the big names in the restaurant business justify charging the big money, coupled with paying extra for their name to be on the front door of course.

In the past month and a half, 2 big name restaurants have been shut down briefly, due to excessive health department violations. The first one is owned by a guy who used to almost matter but these days, not so much, Mr. Donald J. Trump. Yea, him…. His DJT steakhouse in Las Vegas, located in his very own casino racked up 55 violations during a routine inspection. To put that into perspective, the Southern Nevada Health District says that 30 violations receive a “C” grade! That seems a bit generous to me.

According to the inspectors they found expired caviar and yogurt, duck that had an expiration date back in June, veal and tomato stock that was also outdated and in use. The inspector also found parasites in under cooked halibut and salmon and raw tuna being thawed at room temperature, scary… They were ordered to throw everything away and start from scratch closing them for the remainder of that day giving them time to replace everything.

The other fine dining establishment shut down briefly is Chateau Cherbuliez which is in Manhattan and owned by Todd English. This is the most surprising between the two as this IS Todd English’s business not just another excuse for your name to be placed on a sign, and the joint just opened 4 months ago! Manhattan’s Department of Health reports that they accumulated forty four violation points for infractions such as: the presence of “filth flies” which I have never heard of and neither has Google, contaminated food, unrefrigerated food, and the lack of hand washing stations. Todd owns 19 restaurants scattered around the country 2 of which I have dined at. Both times were at Olives, the one in Boston and the other in the Bellagio in Las Vegas, but I have to say that both meals were memorable so I apparently either dodged a bullet or sport an incredible food borne illness defense system.

At this level of dining you sure wouldn’t expect these types of issues to crop up because you are paying through the nose for the privilege to sit in their dining room and eat their food the least they could give you quality food in return. In the case of Donald Trump’s restaurant DJT, I’m sure there was hell toupee!

Ba Da Bump!

For those that watch Food Network, which could be renamed Diners Drive-Ins and Dives Network these days, you should be familiar with Guy Fieri. He sprang to fame when he won the 2006 version of The Next Food Network Star and was the host of NBC’s game show Minute to Win It that lasted for 2 years. For those that aren’t familiar with him, he’s the bleach-blond with that unique voice.

Guy opened up a 500 seat eatery in Times Square earlier this year and let’s just say that the reviews that he received has to be the worst in journalism history. I don’t usually put much stock into their reviews because kitchen’s have bad nights, as much as any cook hates to admit it, it’s true… It almost seems unanimous among the critics in NYC that the place has some serious issues to iron out. Here are a few random quotes from the critics:

“Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?”

'Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita, any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?'

“The Slamma Jamma Chicken Parm was a disaster. The chicken parm had the consistency of an old tire and the sauce tasted like burnt Ragu.”

“The burnt exterior of the Baked Alaska dessert 'tasted like the asphalt outside on West 44th Street”

“California egg rolls filled with chicken, avocado, ginger, peppers - but tasting of none.”

“If Kris and I die of food poisoning you’ll know that these did us in,” referring to the Sashimi Tacos.

Here’s probably the worst one:

Pete Wells, food critic for The New York Times, asked: "When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN! Were you just messing with our heads?”

These are just a small sampling and if you want more, Google is your friend. I like Guy Fieri and am confident that he will fix the problems quickly, and so is he.

I found this somewhere on the internet and it really chaps my ass to see such ignorance, assuming that it is real. I am not sure what is worse, a single mom spending $138 on dinner when she can’t even afford to leave a tip or stiffing her server. In my opinion it makes it worse by leaving a note acknowledging the fact that you are not leaving a tip rather than if she did nothing leaving open the possibility that it was an oversight.

This person probably never worked in the restaurant business because the chances are pretty good that the person that she screwed out of a tip was a single mother too, as they are pretty common in restaurants. It’s usually a single mother that is either working 2 jobs or going to school, waiting tables and being a new mother simultaneously. I’ve seen it a thousand times over the years. If you are familiar with Reservoir Dog’s opening scene where the Ramblers were sitting in the diner when Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) makes his case on whether or not waitresses deserved to automatically get a tip every time or just when they go the extra mile. Mr. White (Harvey Keitel) states that waiting tables is the number one occupation that women with no college education can work and support their families, which is true. 

Classic!

You can always tell who either works or has worked in the business because we always over tip. If you can’t afford to leave a tip, you should stay home or go to the nearest drive thru because these restaurant people bust their ass and deserve every penny they earn. There are a few categories of people that are notoriously bad tippers: retired people on fixed incomes (whose fixed income may be 10 times what we make), teenagers that just don’t know any better, and stupid people.

Mr. Pink does make a compelling argument about tipping I’ll give him that, along with being able to sense a rat among the Ramblers.

Have you ever noticed that when someone you know, or maybe even yourself, go to a fast food joint and they get the order wrong how pissed they/you are that their/your burger came with lettuce, tomato, and onion when it wasn’t ordered? But when you go to your local sports bar and the same thing happens, you just put the lettuce tomato, and onion off to the side? Why is that?

The next time you go to your favorite restaurant (fast food excluded) instead of being solely fixated on what you do want, put a little thought into what you don’t want. Here’s what I mean, the next time you order a burger and you don’t want it dragged through the garden, ask that they 86 the lettuce, tomato, and onion.

I know it doesn’t sound like that big of deal, but here’s how it can snowball when only 10 people per day throw away the L, T, O: about 15 cents is what it costs the restaurant owner each time, multiply that times 10 and you have $1.50. Assuming that the example closes one day each week leaving it to be open 313 days per year that translates to $469.50 per year! If you are familiar with the industry and know how little the profit margin is, then you know this does make a difference because that amount translates to the potential loss of $1408.50 in gross sales per year after the typical 300% markup.

The dressed burger example isn’t the only one; if you have reservations and has to cancel for whatever reason, especially if it’s a larger party, please call and let the restaurant know that you won’t be showing up. There are times, not every time but quite frequently, that staffing is modified to make sure that everyone gets the level of service that that restaurant strives to provide.

I could go on but by now I’m sure you’ve got the idea how this works; each dollar a restaurant throws away there is the potential loss of sales that equal 3x that. Now that you know, will ya help a restaurant owner out?

Perhaps you have heard that there very well could be a bacon shortage within the next calendar year? This is not good news for bacon lovers everywhere and you must be wondering why, you can thank good ol Mother Nature for this cruel joke!

That’s right; Mother Nature is the culprit by not giving our farmers in the west enough water to sustain successful crops of wheat and corn, but especially corn, now that corn is used for so many other things than just feeding the nation’s people and livestock. That means that farmers will be flooding the market with their pigs early to avoid sky rocketing feed costs in an effort to cut their losses before they get too great. My pig is scheduled to expire on the 22nd, which is about 3 weeks early, for that exact reason. Feed has doubled in price in the span of 3 weeks. Using basic Economics principals, bacon is going to be cheap for a short period of time and then go up dramatically. Stock your freezers people! Luckily I have roughly twelve pounds going into my freezer real soon (whew)...

As a service to fellow bacon lovers everywhere, I am offering some solutions to minimize the effects of this crisis:

·         Force Wendy’s to suspend the Baconator or find another way to administer the coveted bacon flavor. If you remember, not even ten years ago fast food joints didn’t care whether they served you bacon flavored horse meat just as long as it tasted like bacon,

·         Get rid of that precooked bacon forever. A true fan of bacon embraces the unmistakable aroma that fills the house when bacon is being cooked. It’s like a two for 1 deal because it’s a fact that 75% of taste is smell.

·         Suspend all production of bacon flavored personal lubrication. Yes, there is such a thing and why wouldn’t you just use the real thing in lieu of some bacon flavored Vaseline like greasy stuff? If that’s what you’re into of course…

·         Hold congressional hearings on why bacon frosting was even invented. Seriously, unless the cake you are frosting is a pancake (which is weird all on its own) then it makes no sense at all.

·         Make owning Bacon cologne a class A felony whose punishment includes: public flogging, humiliation and stoning.

Listen; if we all stick together we can ride this storm out until the end. Maybe its safety in numbers or misery loves company I don’t know but either way; we can take solace in the fact that it will only be a temporary shortage and it’ll be over before we know it, hopefully…

Unless you grew up and continue to live under a rock, you have no doubt heard the correlation between Fluffy’s sudden disappearance and the Chinese restaurant in the strip mall located behind your neighbor’s house. Whether you are an animal lover or not,  I know you have heard variations of this urban legend and whether you choose to believe it is up to you, but I myself enjoy Chinese take-out quite regularly.

It seems that one particular Chinese restaurant in Kentucky has added more fuel to the fire by getting caught red handed trying to sneak an already dead animal in the back door of their restaurant by people eating in their dining room. No, it wasn’t Fluffy; it was Bambi à la asphalt. Yes, you read that right, a deer found dead on the shoulder of I-75 or in layman’s terms: ROAD KILL!

Lunch patrons at the Red Flower Chinese restaurant witnessed 2 workers hurry a trash can with a bloody leg and tail sticking out of the top into the back of the restaurant while another was hastily mopping up the trail of blood left behind. Luckily the quick thinking customers immediately called the authorities so they could get there before the carcass could be cut up. Naturally, the owner of the restaurants story is that they intended to take the meat home and was not going to serve it to unsuspecting customers. I ain’t buying it…

Needless to say they were closed down and the son was cited for possession of an untagged white tail deer after confessing that he had picked it up on the side of I-75. While they will be permitted to re-open when everything has been cleaned and sanitized, I’m pretty sure that no one will be coming through those doors any time soon looking to order a pupu platter all in fear for what they may actually receive.

If someone were to walk up to me and ask me the difference between a carnie and a line cook, I would struggle to come up with an answer. The only one that I can think of off the top of my head is a line cook doesn’t have to cover vomit with sawdust at the exit of the tilt-a-whirl. You may think I’m full of crap but let me explain.

Carnies, by trade, are vagabonds that travel from town to town foolishly sowing their wild oats during the short time that they are at each stop. The same goes for line cooks except instead of going from town to town, we go from restaurant to restaurant. In the restaurant business, an employee is considered stable if they’ve been with you for over 1 year. In other occupations you wouldn’t get hired if they knew you were only going to be there only for a year or a little more.

If you have ever been to any carnival, you know that when you walk down the midway, you are going to have carnies barking at you trying to sucker you into playing some almost impossible to win game, all-the-while separating you from your money. The same holds true with line cooks because if someone out-of-the-blue wants you to put your cash money on the line, I assure you that the odds have already been stacked in their favor.

Another game that is common on the midway and behind the line is guessing someone’s weight. In the restaurant business it is usually the bitchiest waitress/waiter that night whose weight, eating, sexual prowess and/or hygiene habits are openly debated. Like it or not, it happens, but at least we don’t do it in front of a crowd of people and charge you for it, we gladly give our insight away for free…

It is obvious that there are similarities between occupations now let’s throw the nature or nurture debate into the mix. Carnies are the result of nurture because if that is the life you grew up in, that is probably what you’ll gravitate to once they quit school, but I highly doubt people are natural born carnies. As far as line cooks, I whole heartedly believe that nature dictates whether you are cut out for this type of work or not because either you love it or hate it!

I know of a few people that cooked their way through college getting a bachelor’s degree in a complete different field but now calls behind the line home because they figured out they belong with a bunch of dysfunctional carnies aka: line cooks. Isn’t that right Mr. Fields?

Even if you are not a Seinfeld fan, everyone has heard the ol’ “No soup for you” routine. Enters a Chef/restaurant owner named David Viens from the city of Angles (how appropriate is that?) that raised the bar for all other pricks in the restaurant business to be judged against.  

The alleged crime is mighty grisly, to say the least! Here, read it for yourself; http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/california-chef-trial-killing-wife-told-cops-slow-cooked-body-days-article-1.1162698.  Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street comes to mind when I read this article! What on earth possessed this human to cook another human, especially his wife, for 4 days? I know there’s a whole bunch of one-liners that would fit nicely in there, but I’m biting my tongue for this time only. 

What troubles me the most is that unless his home kitchen is tricked out, there is no way possible to cook something larger than a couple of turkeys at home which leads to my next question, where did he do this unspeakable crime? When pondering that question, remember he does own a commercial kitchen at his restaurant…

Imagine working in that restaurant kitchen, if the unthinkable did actually go down there. Being that I know my way around a kitchen, and know how line cooks think, how the hell did he fend off the million questions that definitely arose during those 4 days?

Okay, so maybe I’ve already convicted him before his trial ends but let’s not forget that he did jump off an 80 foot cliff when the coppers were closing in, AND confessed but then recanted later on. I know you’re throwing that whole OJ debacle at me right now but remember, the Juice is in jail for hopefully and likely, life. Karma, it has a way of catching up to you. 

If you are as curious as I was as to what is actually on his menu, take a peek: http://www.urbanspoon.com/cities/5-los-angeles/restaurants/1475968-thyme-contemporary-cafe/menu. Notice there isn’t any of the infamous Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies on it? Be thankful for that at least.

Have you ever wondered who came up with the idea of the Friday fish fry and why every restaurant in this neck of the woods partakes? If you subscribe to the theory that greeting card companies dream up stupid holidays just to sell their overpriced pieces of paper, then you would naturally think that the fish mongers are behind this racket. Then you my friend, would be dead wrong.

The fish fry originated in Wisconsin by their large German Catholic community because of their meat-less Friday tradition and their close proximity to the Great Lakes. However they use fresh water fish native to their area like perch, walleye, blue gill or bass instead of the haddock or cod used in Western New York.

Taking Wikipedia for what their worth, this is their definition: "Friday night fish fry is regionally popular, a holdover from when Catholics were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays. It is usually skinless cod although most restaurants in the area claim they use the higher quality haddock, and is frequently beer-battered and fried, and served with French fries and cole slaw. Numerous restaurants in Western New York have a Friday fish fry special. The fish fry retains particular popularity during Lent, when Catholics are still barred from eating meat on Friday” As popular as it has become, it is only found in select pockets in northern America near the Great Lakes.

While the origin of the fish fry has religious roots, the popularity of it has nothing to do with religion. But it has everything to do with alcohol, or the lack of. During prohibition with business seriously declining, business owners needed a gimmick to get people back in their speakeasy to spend their hard earned money in order to keep the place afloat until booze was once again, allowed to flow freely on December 5, 1933.

Have you ever noticed the ambiguity when it comes to the use of some common cooking terms? I have, I guess it is the slave to technicality gene that I possess. Here’s an example: Cuisinart advertises a blender that can sauté soup ingredients and blend them all in the blender carafe. By definition, that’s not possible because the Pro Chef defines sauté as “to cook quickly in a small amount of fat in a pan on the stovetop.” The actual translation of the word sauté means to jump; not liquefy. Here are the differences of some terms that are often confused:

Gravy vs. Sauce: gravy is made using the meat juices from the meat in which the gravy is intended, while a sauce is based on a stock or broth.

Boil vs. Simmer vs. Poach: while they all refer to cooking in a hot liquid, each one represents a different temperature range in which something is cooked. Boiling is 212° or higher if being cooked in a pressure cooker and is usually used for meat of some type because it won’t easily break apart. Simmering is in the 185° - 200° range which is used for boiling eggs for egg salad or deviled eggs. Poaching is in the 165° - 184° range which is the most gentle of the three and is always used for eggs and fish or any other food that is delicate.

Grill vs. Barbeque: to grill is defined as cooking food on a grate over hot coals, and barbecue is a technique for cooking whole cuts of meat slowly in a covered environment over hot coals or hardwood. Over time the term barbecue has gradually taken on another meaning by referring to  an activity in which people gravitate towards an open flame in which food is being cooked with some sort of alcoholic beverage being held in ones hand.

Bake vs. Roast: these 2 are a bit different than the others because they are BOTH defined as “to cook in an oven thereby surrounding it with dry heat.” But, neither term is used universally because wouldn’t it sound funny to say you were going to “roast a cake”, or “bake a prime rib?” It may sound funny, but you would be absolutely correct!

While we technically speak English, some UK word usage can sure be confusing… The above product is steamed suet (the fat around the kidneys of a cow) pudding that contains dried currants that is served warm with custard. Oddly, the name was originally plum bolster but was later changed to spotted dick, for some strange reason. This is readily available at Wegmans in the ethnic food isle. You are probably thinking that I have tried it but no, not yet…but soon, I promise.

Perhaps I interest you in some Bubbles and Squeak instead of kidney fat pudding topped with custard for breakfast? B&S is an English tradition consisting of the leftover vegetables and beef from the previous night’s roast that are chopped and fried. Crushed and fried potatoes as well as pickles and brown sauce are often added. This is also known as a full English breakfast. Where I come from, we call this creation, leftovers. Wondering about the name? Supposedly, when this combination is fried, that is the noise that comes from the pan. While we’re on the subject of breakfast, the Brits love baked beans on toast topped with a fried egg, interesting…

Maybe Toad in the hole is more your speed then, and no, it isn’t actual toad. The “toad” part refers to sausage and the “hole” part is the Yorkshire pudding that it is cooked in. Yorkshire pudding is a batter that is made up of pan drippings and wheat flour (they sure love their roasts over there, don’t they?) The sausage is cooked in the batter and the finished product looks allegedly, like a toad in the hole. It is usually served with vegetables and topped with onion gravy.

Last but not least, we have bangers and mash. The mash part is pretty obvious but the bangers can be almost anything under the sun. Remember I said that toad meant the sausage part of toad in the hole? Well it also means bangers, so much for continuity. When I think of sausage, mashed potatoes sure don’t come to mind and vice versa but I’m not going to knock it because I haven’t tried it. 

Canned beer is making a comeback, despite a popular notion that canned beer tastes like well, canned beer. As it turns out canned beer tasting inferior to bottled beer is a bunch of crap, more on that later. When one thinks about canned beer the picture of someone drinking something out of a paper bag, or a bunch of people partying on top of their house, the type of home with a hitch on the front, comes to mind.

The canned beer revival started in 2007, right around the time the housing market went in the toilet leaving many some beer drinkers to cut their beer budget, coincidence? Maybe, maybe not; the can boasts 1 major factor for keeping beer pristine that the bottle cannot, the ability to keep out all light, which is one of beer’s arch enemies, oxygen is the other.

I’m sure that you have noticed that beer comes in 3 different color bottles: brown, green or clear. The brown gives the most protection from light next comes the green and bringing up the rear is the clear bottle. Light exposure is a contributing factor in the dreaded skunked beer. Remember that certain beer brand (Keystone) that claimed that their beer came in a specially lined can? Well it turns out that all companies line their cans with plastic and have been doing so since 1935. Today some small brew crafters ship their beer exclusively in cans, despite much higher start-up costs than if bottles were used.

I personally have nothing against beer from a can; being at concerts, camping, or in a boat is when drinking canned beer is a requirement due to safety and space issues. But, I’ll admit that if I was at my favorite Irish pub or in my local taproom and when I ordered a beer I would be none-too-happy if they put a can instead of a bottle on the bar, apparently for no good reason…

The infamous Red Solo Cup: After listening to the entire screwy Red Solo Cup song, TK left out what sets the Solo cup apart from every other plastic cup on the market, the 3 lines indicating what constitutes 1 drink from the three types of alcohol.

Honey: Honey is the only food on the planet that never ever spoils. Archaeologists found honey in ancient Egyptian tombs that are well over 2000 years old and it still tasted like fresh honey. Honey has a unique balance of low water content and an unusual high acid level to thwart off bacteria growth.

The Baker’s Dozen: In ancient Egypt and Europe bakers were known for shorting their customers when they would buy a dozen or more. Once their little racket was discovered, severe penalties were given out. Penalties ranged from having their ears cut off and nailed to the front door of their bakery, to having a hand chopped off for each offense. That’s when the bakers decided to build in a little buffer by giving 13 instead of 12, just in case they counted wrong.

Coca-Cola: If it weren’t for 1 ingredient, every time you drink a Coke, you would puke. No joke, each can has 10 teaspoons or 3+ tablespoons of sugar which equals 1 day worth of recommended daily consumption. Sugar concentrated at that level will make you vomit unless, phosphoric acid is added to cut the sweetness to a more manageable level but hey, and at least they took the cocaine out of their product!

Gerald Ford, everyday during his presidency, ate the same exact thing for lunch: 1 scoop of cottage cheese topped with A1 steak sauce, sliced red onion, a few tomato wedges and a scoop of butter pecan ice cream! What the hell is that all about? Yuck….

Each box of Animal Crackers contain 1 Lion, 1 Buffalo, 2 Sheep, 2 Monkeys, 2 Tigers, 3 Rhinos, 5 Bears, and 6 Gorillas.

Is there such a thing? Yup, and no, I am not drunk. The picture above doesn’t even look real; to me it looks like someone with mad computer skills had a few minutes to spare one day and decided to mess with our heads. I assure you they are very real and are commonplace in Japan. Currently, they are selling for 10,000 Yen or 82 bucks EACH over there! Ouch…

This new fangled watermelon was invented about 10 years ago by farmers in Zentsuji, Japan who wanted to make their watermelon business greener by helping to reduce carbon footprints of their company and their customers, at the same time. According to my cousin (a.k.a. Steve) only the Western apartments in Japan have normal sized appliances. Since the Japanese have smaller refrigerators, they have to be efficient when it comes to space hence: the square watermelon. Brilliant! Transportation costs are said to be cut almost in half just because they can now be stacked. It’s a win-win situation, unless you like playing Greased Watermelon like Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito) does on the TV show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

As with everything, there are people that love the novelty of the square melon and there is the naysayer that says that once it is cut, you really can’t tell what shape it was. I personally think is a neat and novel idea, maybe it’s because growing square watermelons wouldn’t be all that hard and I’d be the only one around with them. Supply and demand would dictate the price but, there is no way in hell I could get $82 for one, but boy if I could….

According to everything that I have read and the different videos that I have watched on the subject, all you have to do is, when the melon first appears on the plant put it in the square form or some other shape that your little ol heart desires. Give it sunlight, food, water, time and presto, you’ve got yourself a conversation piece, until it rots anyway.

I suppose you’re asking what Freeganism is; well it is an interesting lifestyle that involves other people’s garbage, dumpsters, and eating what they find.  The name is the combination of veganism and free. Have you ever noticed that even the most unsavory things in today’s world are given a name that helps dress it up a little?

I had never heard of such a thing until recently, and I am still baffled by what would lead a person to become a freegan or as I’ve always called them, dumpster divers, unless of course it is their ONLY means of finding nourishing sustenance. Most people that subscribe to freeganism are NOT destitute drifters, they dumpster dive to support a cause that they believe in with every fiber of their being. It’s either impressive or downright strange depending on how you look at it, eating what other people deem as garbage making sure that less goes to waste. While I applaud their fortitude, I wonder if it is worth the occasional opportunity to count their bathroom floor tiles for the 3rd time during their 2nd seating, if you know what I mean...

To shift gears a little, a quick thought about vegetarianism and veganism: as popular as they have become, they can be interpreted as arrogant because it is a luxury only afforded by residents of a 1st world country. People that aren’t as fortunate as us have to eat whatever they forage, hunt, trade for, or raise themselves instead of having a Wegmans just a short drive away where they can get their organic quinoa. Don’t get me wrong, I respect and support their lifestyle but both vegetarians/vegans should be thankful for living in a society that gives them the ability to get protein and other products from sources other than animals, if they so choose.

Yup! Leave it to 7-Eleven to come up with such a thing, but why should anyone be surprised? After all they started selling Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon under the alias label Yosemite Road. Why do you think they chose not to put their obnoxious red, white, green and orange logo on a wine bottle? They probably realized how ridiculous it would be, but more than a machine that dispenses powdered mashed potatoes topped with loggie-like, sodium laden gravy for a buck? I say no, because I can see myself buying a bottle of 7-Eleven’s finest vino to give as a gag gift or for a conversation piece, but I am still searching for a scenario that would involve me buying mashed potatoes from that dispenser:

There is some great news though; you won’t be able to find mashed potatoes on tap at your local 7-Eleven because the nearest one is roughly nine thousand five hundred thirty one miles away in Singapore.  Maybe we Americans are a little too highfalutin to get our mashed potatoes and gravy from a machine…I certainly hope so and I say “let the Singaporeans keep them over there!”